Because Cloud is Intelligent!
by Secera Crystalfire
Summary: The war for control of the fanfiction has begun, and...everyone gets locked in the kitchen? Contents: One round pinkish moogle, bubblegum, and lots and lots of randomness! Read and Review... (Ch. 9 now up!)
1. Because Cloud is Intelligent!

Because Cloud is Intelligent

Written by Secera and the FFVII characters

Standard disclaimer applies.

Note of the Authoress: This is my first time writing in script format, so I apologize in advance for any errors. Please review! Enjoy!!

***

Tifa: Okay. Explain to me again why we're here.

Cloud: Well, yesterday Cait Sith found this website called Fanfiction.net

Cid: and there were all kinds of $%#!*#& stories about _us_!

Tifa: So…

Cloud: We decided to write our own story. Because I'm _intelligent_!

RedXIII (who will be called 'Red' for the duration of this fic): So many people have misconceptions about us, I think it's best to set them straight.

Cloud: *sigh* They think I'm stupid.

Yuffie: *whisper* and they're not to far off the mark with that one…

Cloud: Hey!

Tifa: Okay! This sounds like fun! Let's start. I get to be narrator!

Rufus: I should be narrator.

Cid: Hey, who invited you?!

Rufus: Secera.

Cid: Damn you, Secera. *Glares up into space*

Secera: I'm not up there. Here, Vincent. *Hands big silver badge with the word 'Narrator' on it to Vincent.*

Vincent: I don't want it.

Tseng: Then give it to me.

Reno: Me!

Secera: The Narrator badge gives its holder absolute power for the duration of the fic.

Vincent: *snatches the badge back from Tseng* Absolute power, eh? I think I might actually enjoy this…

Sephiroth: I don't need a badge to have absolute power.

Cloud: Ack! You're here, too?!

Tifa: *sulking because she didn't get the Narrator badge* Let's start the story.

Vincent: One day there was

Yuffie: A whole pile of materia!

Vincent: and a

Cloud: powerful and _intelligent_ bishounen was walking along and

Reno: fell off a cliff

Rufus: and died.

Aeris: But a beautiful Cetra woman saw him and brought him back to life and the powerful, intelligent bishounen fell

Sephiroth: into a pit filled with

Yuffie: materia!

Vincent: *is experimenting with his Narrator badge*

*BOOM*

Cait Sith: X_X

Vincent: Oops. Try that again…

*BANG*

Hojo: AARRRRRRRRGGGGGGG *on fire and running in circles*

Vincent: Heh heh…

*A pit of nothingness opens up below Hojo and he falls into it, screaming indiscernible profanities*

Vincent: ^_^

Tifa: Now _that's_ frightening.

All: *stare*

Vincent: What?

Secera: *steals narrator badge* Okay, from now on we're writing this as equals. No single narrator. *Flings Narrator badge into the pit of nothingness*

All: *leap for badge, but no one catches it. They land in a pile on the ground as the pit of nothingness closes up*

Aeris: (on top of pile) Okay, let's continue. The powerful, intelligent bishounen who was in love with the beautiful

Cait Sith: blue m-phone

Yuffie: brought all the materia to

Barret: the pit of nothingness

Rufus: and dropped it in.

Yuffie: NOOOO!!!

Rufus: YESSS!!!

Yuffie: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Rufus and Tseng: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Reno: *nudging Secera* I believe that all plot and characterization have officially flown out the window.

Secera: *looks up at giant window in the sky with sparkly stuff flying out of it* I know…

Yuffie: Well then! An attractive young female materia hunter bravely climbed into the pit of nothingness and retrieved the

Red: crackers.

Others: Huh?

Red: What? I'm hungry.

Barret: Crackers, Red?

Red: Yes, crackers!

Cid: okaaay, then…

Rude: But before the attractive young female materia hunter could eat the crackers, a handsome bald Turk with cool sunglasses pushed her into the

Cloud: powerful and intelligent bishounen?

Sephiroth: who in turn was pushed into the

Cid: Highwind!

Barret: So they all flew to

Aeris: the beautiful Cetra woman, and the powerful bishounen

Cloud: who was also very _intelligent_

Tifa: saw and instantly fell in love with a lovely young lady named

Reno: Tseng.

Tseng: Reno.

Elena: Rude.

Rude: …

Tifa: Anyway, the powerful bishounen fell in love with

Cait Sith: my moogle

Moogle: !!!!

Secera: Let's finish this.

Vincent: and they lived happily

Elena: in Tseng's office

Reno: What in Tseng's office?

Vincent: they lived happily.

Reno: No, I'm asking Elena. What in Tseng's office? *smirk*

Elena: Uhhh, er…*blush* um…they arranged filing cabinets?

Vincent: that's living happily?

Yuffie: And they found a stash of materia in Tseng's closet!

Tseng: *sigh*

Secera: We're supposed to be finishing this.

Cid: Fine. They $*&% lived &#@%&* happily ever after.

Cloud: I'm _intelligent_!

Owari!

Please review!! Reviews make me feel bright and happy and cheerful and inspired and etc and are directly related to how fast I post another chapter! Arigatou!

~Secera~


	2. Because Tseng is Narrator!

Because Cloud is Intelligent!

Written by Secera and the FFVII characters

Standard disclaimer applies.

Note of the Authoress: This chapter's a bit longer. Hope you enjoy! Please review or I'll start going through withdrawal and won't be able to write anymore!

All: AHH!!

Cid: What the @#&% are we doing back here again?!

Secera: We're writing again!

Cloud: Yeah!

Rufus: No!

Secera: Stop whining, think POSITIVE thoughts.

Rufus: Maybe sometime during this I'll get the chance to hurt you ^_^.

Sephiroth: Or kill you, that would make this torture worth enduring.

Secera: Stop that.

Reno: What? You told us to be positive!

Barret: I must agree.

Secera: Grrrr…anyway, we're changing a few things.

Yuffie: We are?

Secera: I want to add interest to this, so…we're acting it out! Or rather, _you_ are acting it out!

Rufus: No way!

Cid: Not going to happen.

*General complaining can be heard*

Cloud, Aeris: This'll be fun!

Tifa: How can you say that?

Secera: I said to THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!

Vincent: Do I get to be narrator again?

Secera: Nope. Tseng does!

Tseng: Huh?

Secera: Be happy; you don't have to act when you're narrator.

Tseng: Sure.

…

…

… …

Secera: So start!

Tseng: Oh. One day, there was

Cait Sith: Why is it always 'One day, there was…' or 'One day, this happened…' etc? Why can't we be creative?

Tseng: There was once a

Tifa: That's still boring.

Secera: Cait Sith and Reno, you help him. You three can be co-narrators.

Reno (sarcastically): Fun.

Cait Sith: ^_^ In a far away land by the name of Genkishima lived an intelligent blonde

Tseng: 'Intelligent blonde'? How ironic.

Rufus: Wait a minute! Why does Strife always get to be the main character?

Cait Sith: He isn't. You're blonde too, aren't you?

Elena: Me too!

Cid: I'd say something as well, but I don't think I want to be the main character.

Reno: Anyway, there lived an intelligent blonde called Rufus. *smirk*

Rufus: .

Tseng: One day, he decided to go for a walk.

Rufus: *walks* Yay.

Cait Sith: On the way, he met up with a beautiful blonde

Cloud: ^_^

Cait Sith: named Elena.

Cloud: -_- *sighs*

Tseng: The two hit it off quite well, and became close friends.

Reno: Intimate friends.

Elena: Eeargg

Rufus: Hey!

Tseng: But, little did Rufus know, Elena was working for a secret organization called

Cait Sith: Wal-Mart.

Elena: Wal-Mart?

Reno: Uh-huh! The evil Wal-Mart people had hired Elena to seduce the not-so-intelligent Rufus ShinRa so that they could get all his money!

Rufus: Hey!

Tseng: Aren't they supposed to be acting this out?

Secera: Yes. Get at it.

*Rufus and Elena chat for a while*

Reno: I said _intimate_ friends.

Tseng: Let's just get on with the story.

Cait Sith: Right. So, the leader of the secret organization called Wal-Mart, who was also an intelligent blonde

Cloud:^_^

Cait Sith: was called Cid.

Cid: Yeah! Wal-Mart rocks!!

Reno: After Rufus and Elena were happily married

*Wedding bells ring in the background as the two walk up the aisle. The Avalanche members are seated in chairs as the audience and Sephiroth is posing as the priest/minister/whateveryoucall'im*

Rufus: I refuse!

Elena: _You_ refuse? That's my line!

Sephiroth: *skipping over all the reading and other stuff* You may now kill the bride.

Elena: Kill?! Oh well, I guess that's preferable to…yechk.

Rufus: If you weren't one of my elites…

Sephiroth: Oh, my mistake. I thought it said kill. Ahem. You may

Tseng: Let's just get on with the story!

Cait Sith: After they were happily married, Cid and his Wal-Mart minions went to assassinate Mr. ShinRa.

*Avalanche creeps through the jungles of Genkishima towards Rufus' new house*

Yuffie: Ouch! Something bit me!

Random Poisonous Snake: *slithers away*

Yuffie: You aren't getting away! *Attacks it with shuriken*

Random Poisonous Snake: X_X

Reno: So they journeyed through the jungles of Genkishima in search of Rufus, who they were trying to assassinate.

Aeris: I think we're lost.

Cloud: No, we're not! I'm sure we're going the right way. After all, I'm intelligent!

Barret: We'd better be going the right way, for your sake.

Yuffie: I feel funny…

Vincent: You look funny, too.

Yuffie: Hey! I'm serious, I think I'm gonna be sick…

Barret: Turn the other way. No, not towards me! The _other_ way!

Aeris: *takes out 'heal' materia*

Yuffie: Materia!! Gimme!!!

Tifa: I think she's all better now.

Red: I must agree. Amazing, isn't it?

Yuffie: *stroking materia lovingly and mumbling intimacies*

Reno: Eventually, they all came to the house of Rufus

Tseng: and climbed in the window.

Cait Sith: They ended up in the kitchen.

Cloud, Barret: Food! *All raid the refrigerator*

Tseng: Rufus heard something in the kitchen and decided to investigate.

Reno: He stumbled into the kitchen wearing

Rufus: the usual white trenchcoats and such.

Reno: No fun.

Rufus: Too bad. *Walks into kitchen and sees the Avalanche members raiding his refrigerator*

Cait Sith: A fight broke out.

Cloud: FOOD FIGHT!!!

*All start throwing food at each other*

Tifa: OWW! Hey! No frozen food allowed!!

Cid: Heh heh, mashed potatoes…

Red: No fair, I can't throw stuff!

Barret: Too bad. *Rubs green Jell-O into Red's fur*

Cloud: Ewww…something really old and moldy. *Throws at Yuffie, who is happily stuffing her face with everything that lands within reach*

Yuffie: Ack! What was that?! I think I'm gonna be sick…

Tseng: Eventually, Rufus is forced to retreat.

Rufus: *gladly complies and locks himself in the bathroom where no one can get to him*

Yuffie: Hey! Let me in!! I'm gonna be sick all over your carpet if you don't!

Reno: However, much to Avalanche's surprise, Rufus has an army of his own! *Rude, Scarlet, Hojo, and Sephiroth appear out of nowhere*

Sephiroth: All right!! Who got mashed potatoes in my hair?!!

Cid: eep!

Cait Sith: The fight eventually ends in a stalemate, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Yuffie: Let me in to the bathroom!

Secera: The End.

Yuffie: Open the door!!!

Secera: _Owari!!_

Yuffie: oh, sorry…

Secera: That's all. Except that you should review. We all love reviews!

Hojo: I don't.

Secera: Shut up, Hojo!! Anyone whose opinion counts loves reviews! They make us feel inspired and want to write more. And they relieve my withdrawal symptoms so I _can_ write more!

Vincent: They do?

Secera: Yes! Owari! And arigatou!!


	3. Because an Intermission is Needed!

Because an Intermission is Needed 

Written by Secera and the FFVII characters

Standard disclaimer applies.

Note of the Authoress: Short intermission chapter while I'm having writer's block, but have fun! And don't forget to review!

***

Secera: All right, everyone! We have a mission!

Reno: We do?

Secera: We need funding to continue this story, and funding is one thing we have a complete lack of. Especially, *glares* since Rufus wouldn't agree to lend us money.

Red: Why do we need money to write?

Secera: Electric bills, Internet fee, snack money, plot holes…

Cloud: Snacks? WE didn't get any snacks!

Secera: Heh heh, forget I said that…anyway, I've come up with a plan to fund our valiant attempt at writing!

Vincent: Key word being 'attempt'.

Secera: _Valiant_ attempt!

Aeris: So? What's the plan?

Secera: Door-to-door materia selling!

Yuffie: NOOOooooooooo!!!…ergg… *face turns kinda greenish*

Tifa: Heh…I can't tell if it's the poisonous snake or the thought of selling materia that's making her sick.

Rufus: Or both.

Vincent: If it's the door-to-door selling that's making her sick, then I agree with her.

Secera: Be positive. Here, we'll draw straws to see which two people will go. *Holds out 15 straws*

All: *select a straw*

Aeris: Ohh…yes! I don't have to go.

Tifa: Me neither.

Reno: No! This is wrong! Unjust! A violation of my rights!

Rufus: I take it you got a short straw? Too bad. *Smirks as he holds up his own long straw and waves it tauntingly in front of Reno's face*

Reno: *gets Rufus in a headlock* Who got the other short straw?

Sephiroth: As the most powerful person here, I am claiming the title of 'Dictator' and thus dictate that we re-draw.

Secera: Nope. *Evil grin* _I'm_ the most powerful person here! And I say we _don't_ re-draw.

Cait Sith: Whatever happened to democracy?

Vincent: It ran away with the plot.

Aeris: *smiles*

Barret: What's with you?

Aeris: I'm enjoying this! *Smiles bigger*

*Time passes*

In a random town…

Reno: *scowls and knocks on the door*

Elderly Lady: *opens door* Hello! Would you boys like some cookies?

Reno: eh…

Sephiroth: No. We're selling materia. *Glares at the world *

Elderly Lady: Oh. Do you have any materia that bake cookies?

Reno: Well, for that you might want this 'fire' materia.

Elderly Lady: Wonderful! I'll get five of them! …On second thought, maybe not. You two boys look suspiciously like those drug dealers who came by last week. *Slams door shut*

Sephiroth: I see her point.

Reno: Hey! I so do _not_ look like a drug dealer! And she was talking about you, too!

Sephiroth: *sigh* Let's just go on to the next house.

Reno: *knocks on door, still muttering about the previous incident*

Man: *opens door* Welcome! Are you the guys they sent to fix the plumbing?

Sephiroth: No.

Reno: But if you buy our materia, you won't even need plumbing!

Man: Really? I'll try it!

Yuffie (in background): NOOOO!!! My materia! *Cid knocks her out*

Sephiroth: *Rings doorbell and Cait Sith's Theme begins to play*

Cait Sith (in background): I have fans!

*No one answers the door*

Sephiroth: *becomes irritated and slashes doorbell with masamune, Cait Sith's Theme stops*

Cait Sith: Hey!

Reno: Looks like no one's home…

Sephiroth: Oh well, let's go.

*Little kid runs up and grabs a materia*

Reno: Hey! Give that back!

Little kid: *summons Leviathan*

Secera: No, can't have any of that! *Uses powers of the Authoress to push Leviathan and the little kid into the pit of nothingness*

Yuffie: Nooo! My materia!

Secera (in plaintive tone): No one wants to buy anything from you two…

Reno and Sephiroth: *glare*

Secera: So we're gonna pick two new people.

Reno and Sephiroth: *uncharacteristic cheering*

Secera: Rufus and…um…Me!

Rufus: NO!! There's no way!!! I'll give you the money, just don't make me do this!!

Secera: Really, you'll give me the money?

Rufus: Yes!

Secera: Promise?

Rufus: Yes!!

Secera: Heh heh, my plan worked!

Rufus: … … …Hey! That was low, Secera, really low.

Vincent: *smirk* You shouldn't be talking.

Tseng: I agree.

Cloud: So now can we write a normal story?

Secera: You can start while I go get snacks.

Cloud: Okay! What should we write about?

Cait Sith: How Rufus was stupid enough to fall for Secera's trap!

Rude: How Secera went so low as to trick another person into giving her money.

Elena: Yeah, she doesn't have many standards, I've noticed.

Secera: I heard that.

Elena: Eep! Heh, thought you were gone…

Aeris: We should write about a beautiful Cetra woman who tragically gives up her life for the planet!

Red: Or a brave warrior cat-thing who fights valiantly for the salvation of the planet!

Tseng: Or an elite organization that manages the 'darker aspects' of a big electric company.

Yuffie: Or a materia hunter!

Cait Sith: Or me!

Secera: Or me!

Vincent: Who would want to know about _you_?

Secera: Shut up.

Cid: So, where are the snacks?

Secera: I'll tell you if you promise to be really, really, _really_ nice to me!

Cid: Forget it, I'll find 'em on my own!

Secera: Fine! Be that way!

Owari!

Note of the Authoress: Yeah, another short chapter, but I plan to make the future ones longer! Really!! So, who's life story do you want portrayed in the next chapter? Let me know in your review or by e-mailing me at CrystallineFire@hotmail.com! Arigatou!


	4. Because Sephiroth Ate a Materia!

Because Sephiroth Ate a Materia

Written by Secera and the FFVII characters

Standard disclaimer applies.

Note of the Authoress: Yay! I finally added a new chapter. Enjoy (and don't forget to review)!

***

Cid: You're writing a story about _who?_

Secera: Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: Say that again. I don't think I heard you correctly…

Aeris: You!

Barret: Why him?

Tifa (whispering): Because Secera is a Sephiroth fangirl.

Secera: Am not.

Sephiroth: While I understand perfectly why you'd want to be my fangirl, I already have plenty and don't need any more. And I don't want a story written about me!

Secera: I'm not a fangirl!

Cid: Why would anyone want to be a fangirl of…him?!

Secera: I'M NOT A FANGIRL!

Yuffie: Whoa! Does that mean that you're really a _guy_?!

Secera: I'm not a fanboy, either! I'm not a fan-person of any type! I'm just ME!

Sephiroth: Stupid rabid fangirls.

Secera: ARRGGH!!! …Forget it, let's just move on to the story about Sephiroth's life. For this, we'll need a bit of information. Sephiroth, tell us about your life.

Sephiroth: I'm not going to say anything.

Cloud: But what about the story?

Sephiroth: Too bad.

Rude: …we could always just make it up.

Cloud: Good idea! I will begin. *uncharacteristically evil smirk* Once, there was a very small but very unique child who was kept in

Reno: a cage

Tseng: in a laboratory.

Tifa: One day the very small but unique child

Aeris: escaped and wandered around the laboratory

Yuffie: searching for materia!

Cid: He found a test tube full of

Reno: a strange blue liquid

Aeris: and he drank it.

Yuffie: It transformed him into

Sephiroth: *deathglare*

Yuffie: eep! A silver-haired bishounen?

Sephiroth: *nod nod*

Rufus: And so, the silver-haired…bishounen…

Vincent: decided to seek revenge against the abhorrent excuse for a scientist that claimed to be his father.

Rufus: So he joined the prestigious and undefeatable Shin-ra army.

Barret: Corrupt lying cheatin' scum!

Rufus: Prestigious and undefeatable!

Barret: Corrupt!

Sephiroth: Can we stop now? You're massacring my life.

Secera: You're the one who wouldn't cooperate!

Cloud: She's right, you know…

Tseng: Back to the story. The silver-haired bishounen

Cid: who was hungry just like I am now because Secera won't give me any snacks, ate a

Yuffie: materia!

Sephiroth: *sweatdrop*

Red: Is that possible?

Reno: *shrug* I guess anything's possible for him. Must've made 'im sick, though.

Sephiroth: *glare*

Elena: That's why Strife was able to defeat him at the mako reactor.

Sephiroth: *_glare_*

Rude: Because he was sick from eating a materia?

Sephiroth: ***_glare_***

Rufus: Uh-huh. I wonder what kind of materia it was.

Sephiroth: ***_glare_***

Secera: Ehhh… Let's move on.

Sephiroth: Good idea, for once.

Secera: Thanks, but did you have to say 'for once'?

Sephiroth: Yes, I did.

Vincent: He was defeated at the mako reactor, but the silver-haired bishounen swore never to give up in his quest to wreak vengeance upon

Barret: Shin-ra and spoons!

Vincent: I can understand Shin-ra, but why spoons?

Cloud: Because forks are more useful than spoons.

Yuffie: And because the president of Shin-ra was using a spoon.

Rufus (to Sephiroth): Ah, so that's why you killed the former president. Which reminds me, I never did get around to thanking you for that.

Sephiroth: No problem, just asserting my dominance and demonstrating my skill with masamune-sama. Which, just as a note, *glare* I will gladly demonstrate again if this poor excuse for a story goes on much longer.

Aeris: A bit sensitive, are we? I think that we should keep the story going! This is fun!

Tifa (to Aeris): And they call you the benevolent one…

Aeris: Sorry. Ever since he killed me, I just haven't been able to be very sympathetic with the guy.

Tifa: Yeah, I know what you mean. I've felt the same way since he destroyed Nibelheim.

Cloud: Enough of the heart-to-heart discussion, ladies. Cid's getting a little emotional.

Cid: *sob* It's just so sad!

Secera: Awww…here, you can have a cookie now.

Cid: *snatching cookies* Ah-HA! My plan worked!

Secera: …That's not nice!

Rufus: No worse than what you did to me in the last chapter.

Secera: Yeah, but you're…you!

Rufus: What's that supposed to mean?

Secera: Eh, nothing.

Sephiroth: I take it we're done with the story?

Secera: Fine.

Elena: But that's not all that happened! It's incomplete!

Sephiroth: *smirk* Such a pity.

Secera: Maybe we'll finish some other time.

Aeris: Yeah!

Sephiroth: No!

Reno: Owari!

Secera: You stole my line.

Reno: Too bad.

Note of the Authoress: I really massacred poor Sephy-kun's life, I know. But it was fun ^_^! Anyway, I'll try to update sooner next time, promise! If you review, I'll send you an imaginary cookie! Er…if I can get them back from Cid…

Cid: What? These are just _imaginary_ cookies?! No fair!


	5. Because Cid Stole the Plot!

Because Cid stole the plot!

Written by Secera and the FFVII characters

Standard disclaimer applies.

Note of the Authoress: Finally! Another chapter! So sorry about the long wait, *cringes* I'll update sooner next time, I promise! Heh, that's what I said last chapter. But this time I mean it! I promise!

On to the story…

*The FFVII cast is assembled, all except for Cid. He ran away at the end of the previous chapter.*

Secera: We have problems.

Rufus: You mean, _you_ have problems. Not me.

Secera: We all have problems! The plot is gone!

Aeris: Now that you mention it, this is getting pretty plotless. So where is it?

Sephiroth: It ran away. Long ago. With characterization and setting and all that good stuff.

Secera: No, you're wrong! Cid stole it!

Sephiroth: *growl* Did I hear you say that I'm _wrong_? Did I ask your opinion?

Cloud: I thought that Cid stole the cookies, not the plot.

Red: The _imaginary_ cookies.

Cloud: Right, the _imaginary_ cookies.

Secera: Well, you see, the plot was disguised as a cookie.

Tseng: And how did that happen? Abstract things like plots can't suddenly become tangible objects.

Secera: Plot hole.

Cait Sith: How can there be plot holes?! There's no plot!

Secera: There is a plot! It's just not here right now.

Cait Sith: Okay, so how can the plot be disguised as a cookie when they were only imaginary cookies?

Secera: It was an imaginary plot.

Rufus: This…is utterly pointless. And confusing.

Yuffie: And plotless.

Rufus: Well, duh!

Secera: Which is why we need to get the plot back from Cid! Does anyone know where he went?

*Meanwhile, far away, the plot was being chewed on*

Cid: Ack! What the #%@&?! *spit*

Plot: *writhes around on the ground*

Cid: How strange. *Shrugs and goes back to eating the imaginary cookies. You see, Cid can eat imaginary cookies because he's an imaginary character.*

Cid: I'm real, damnit!

*And so, the cast of FFVII wandered around plotlessly in search of Cid. And guess what? They found him!*

Cloud: All the cookies are gone!

Cid: #%&@ right they are!

Secera: What did you do with the plot? *gasp* Did you eat it?!

Cid: If by 'plot' you mean that strange-tasting thing disguised as a cookie *glare* then no, I didn't eat it.

All: *sighs of relief*

Cid: I tossed it into the pit of nothingness from chapter three.

All: Nooo!

Aeris: How can we get it out?

Red: Someone will just have to climb in and get it.

Rufus: I'm not going.

*Everyone stares at feet and tries to look unnoticeable*

Reno: I think Yuffie should go in. She's the only one of us who's been in a pit of nothingness before.

Yuffie: No I haven't!

Tifa: Remember back in chapter one…

Yuffie: That wasn't me! That was…my stunt double!

Barret: Cloud should go in. He's the main character, after all.

Cloud: But I-

Secera: So it's agreed then. Cloud will save the plot for us!

Aeris: That's so sweet of you to volunteer, Cloud!

Tifa: Yeah, you're always so valiant!

Cloud: *sigh* Thanks, I think…

Sephiroth: *pushes him into the pit*

Cloud: AHHH-*CRASH*

Tseng: It would seem that the pit won't let him in.

Pit of Nothingness: Only intelligent beings are allowed in.

Cloud: Hey!

Pit of Nothingness: Just kidding. But you still can't enter.

Cloud: Why not?

Pit of Nothingness: Only people who have entered before can get in now.

Elena: But none of us have ever entered.

Barret: Yuffie's stunt double?

Yuffie: She died when I pushed her off the Highwind.

Vincent:…Hojo would be eligible. I pushed him in during chapter one.

Hojo: *appears out of thin air* Wha-?

Vincent: *smirk* *drags Hojo to the pit of nothingness and drops him in*

Secera: While you're in there, don't forget to retrieve that plot!

Pit of Nothingness: EARRGG! What are you doing to me?!! You can have your stupid plot! Just don't drop any more filth into me!! *Hojo and the plot shoot out of the Pit of Nothingness and land on the ground*

Vincent: I think I'm beginning to like this pit.

Aeris: Awwww…true love!

Vincent: *Hits her over the head with the blunt of Sephiroth's masamune*

Sephiroth: Gimme back my masamune-sama!

Secera: Now that we have the plot back, O-

Reno: Owari!

Secera: Gah! Line stealer! Anyway, we would all-

Tseng: Appreciate it if you could be so kind as to review.

Secera: Conspiracy! You're all conspiring against me!

Elena: Arigatou and sayonara, minna-sans!


	6. Because Duct Tape is Evil!

Because Duct Tape is Evil!

Written by Secera and the FFVII characters

Disclaimer: I do not own anything accept the plot, if it can be considered that. And myself. And I might have a roll of duct tape somewhere, but the people who make duct tape aren't mine…

Note of the Authoress: Yet again, I present to you another chapter of fluff, insanity, and randomness, short though it may be! Have fun reading and review!

On to the fic…

Secera: Have you ever noticed how all fictional characters become stereotyped and preconceptions are formed that may have little or no proof within the actual story?

Reno: We aren't fictional! I'm REAL, damn it!

Secera: Sure. Anyway, today we're taking a bit of time to discuss what each of us thinks about our stereotypes.

Aeris: I agree!

Secera: Uh-huh. First, we'll start with Reno, who is stereotyped as a drunken, lazy, lecherous, manipulative, hot-headed, but utterly compelling bad guy. 

Reno: Take it easy, will 'ya?

Elena: But you are!

Reno: Utterly compelling?

Elena: No!

Secera: Next is Sephiroth, stereotyped as the ultimately evil, powerful, psychotic, egotistical, sadistic, masamune-wielding, arrogant-

Sephiroth: We get the point.

Secera: Don't interrupt me, you-

Rude: *sticks duct tape across Secera's mouth*

Secera: Mmphhf!

Reno: Heh, it really does fix everything! Nice goin', Rude!

Aeris: Just for the record, I'd like to say that I had nothing to do with this.

Tifa: Yeah…she's probably gonna do something really horrible to you guys when she manages to get that stuff off…

Rufus: I'm _soooo_ afraid.

Secera: Mnphhft! *deathglare*

Cid: Ya know, her authoress powers seem to be mostly vocal…

Yuffie: Meaning?

Sephiroth: Now _I_ have complete control of the story! *Evil laughter*

Rufus: No, I do!

Cloud: I do!

Tseng: I should be dictator. I narrated chapter two and we all survived.

Yuffie: But a poisonous snake in chapter two bit me!

Tseng: Okay, never mind then…

Aeris: Can't we all just be equal? *Kawaii puppy dog eyes*

Cloud: Of course we can be equal, Aeris.

Tifa: But shouldn't _I_ be dictator, Cloud?

Cloud: Of course you can be dictator, Tifa.

Aeris: But doesn't that defeat the purpose of us being equal?

Cloud: Of course it does, Aeris.

Tifa: But we-

Cid: Shut the #&@% up! None of us can be dictator until we figure out how to transfer the author powers.

All: *nod thoughtfully*

Sephiroth: Maybe if we kill her…

Secera: Mmmphhf!!! *Claws at duct tape*

Rufus: That might work! 

Cloud: But what if that makes the power go away altogether?

Barret: Then we won't have to do these stories anymore!

Aeris: But I _like_ doing these stories!

Everyone but Aeris: *sigh*

Cait Sith: Besides, that might make us stuck in this story forever with no power whatsoever. That would be sorta bad.

Reno: "Sorta bad"? Congratulations on the understatement of the year.

Cait Sith: Thank you.

Secera: *muffled shouting*

Sephiroth: *Hits Secera over the head with the blunt of his masamune*

Secera: *Falls unconscious*

*blackout*

Well, thanks to Sephiroth, we can't continue. Because the story is IN MY HEAD! And we can't very well do anything when I'M UNCONSCIOUS, now can we? Oh, of all the indignities! And…ah wait, I'm supposed to be oblivious, huh?

To be continued…


	7. Just Because!

AN: I know, I know, it took _way_ too long to update. I'll stop making excuses and admit I was lazy. I didn't feel like writing, and was on the verge of dropping the fic altogether, when I received an email from a wonderful young lady who has brought back my inspiration. We can all give a big thank-you to Salem Saori, who reminded me that I'm doing this for you guys and gals, not for me. I owe you an end to this fic. So, with that in mind, we will now trudge joyfully towards the ten-chapter goal that I am setting (with more regular updates, sorry everyone)!

ANN: I've heard something about FFN not allowing screenplay format, so this fic will continue in actual sentence format. Sorry if I disappoint.

Chapter VII: Because…Just Because

Falling a long distance onto hard cement ground is rather fun, contrary to what most people seem to believe. The sudden floating feeling of leaving one's stomach miles behind, and the delightful sensation of losing one's lunch at great speeds, are exhilarating experiences. Why else would we have invented roller coasters?

The landing, on the other hand, isn't fun. Unless you're a masochist, in which case it's an absolute joy ride.

Most of us are not masochists. Secera is not a masochist (although sometimes we wonder). And so, Secera was not having fun when she dropped from a very tall building and landed less than gracefully on the pavement below, shouting out "If I'm the author, then who's that writing the story?!"

Ahem. The narrator is narrating this story.

"Then tell me, why am I falling?"

You're being killed off because you took too long to update.

"You can't do that! I'm the author!"

I can do whatever I darn well please. You can't stop me.

_No--!"_

_Skliultchp._

Yes, that is the sound that someone makes when hitting pavement at many miles per hour above the safe speed limit.

The entire cast of FFVII was on top of the very tall building, looking down. A few winced, a few lost their lunches (even though they weren't falling), and the silver-haired one laughed in an annoying maniacal way.

The silver haired one then proceeded to send a magic attack at the innocent narrator, who calmly and cooly brought forth a barrier from his materi--hey, where's my materia?

"Oh, good shot," Noted Rufus, gazing at the remains of the narrator, "That guy was beginning to annoy me."

"Now we can finally leave," Tseng said thankfully.

No you can't.

"Eh?" Cid looked around in a surprised manner and the rest of Avalanche, Shinra, and The Other Random FFVII People followed suit. "Who the $# is that?"

Secera has multiple personalities, didn't you know?

A collective groan could be heard. And one "Yay! We get to keep making fanfiction!", which was quickly replaced by a series of violent noises and crashes. And a long scream. And another _Skliultchp_. Poor Cloud.

Yuffie was in a good mood today (any day with materia is a good day!) and revived Cloud.

The others looked at her suspiciously. So suspiciously, in fact, that she backed away slightly, wondering if she had something on her face. Oh no, did they find out that she had stolen Cid's cookies earlier that day?! Were there secret-telling crumbs around her mouth? She glanced around for an escape route.

"Yuffie," Tifa asked calmly and deliberately, "Where did you get that materia?"

The female ninja sighed in relief. She wasn't caught! She was free! "Umm, I stole it from the narrator?" she hazarded the truth.

Satisfied, the other went back to looking over the edge of the building. All except for Cid, that is.

"Are those cookie crumbs I see?"

"Hey, does anyone else wonder why we're all on the roof?" Red spoke up. Everyone looked around, wondering why they hadn't wondered.

"Not at all."

"Nope."

"Uh-uh."

"What, are you crazy?"

Cait Sith laughed, "We've been inside this crazy world so long that everything strange and weird now seems normal! Bwahahahaha!"

"I think he's finally lost it," whispered Elena to Tseng as Cait Sith leapt off the edge of the roof with a cry of, "See, anything is possible! I can flyyyyahhhhh—"

The _Skliultchp_ resounded loudly, but not quite the same as the previous skliultchps had.

Aeris sighed and revived him, seeing as Yuffie was now running in circles, chased by an angry Cid who was repeatedly yelling a statement in which the only words that weren't profanities were "give", "back", and "cookies".

"It's not nice to call people things like that!" Yuffie shouted back, running for her life.

Smirking slightly, Reno nonchalantly stuck out his foot as the girl ninja sprinted by.

As is expected, she tripped and flew forward through the air, momentum carrying her right over the edge of the roof.

You'd think that Cid, upon seeing Yuffie trip, would have realized that something wasn't right. You'd think he'd have been slightly cautious so that the same fate didn't befall him. Well, you thought right. He did realize that he was in danger of tripping after her.

He was, however, moving to quickly to stop himself or correct his footing. He launched off the roof after Yuffie. Their screams matched pitch.

Cloud, fortunately, was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fortunately for Yuffie and Cid, that is. Both Avalanche members landed atop the bewildered blond. Yuffie began screaming once more as Cloud's overly spiky hair speared her.

"Four down, only five to go," laughed Rufus from atop the building. Barrett, Tifa, Vincent, Red, and Aeris backed away slightly, fearing for their lives.

Thus began the war.

Chaos broke out as the three groups (those being Avalanche, Shinra, and Sephiroth) leapt forth into battle to claim dominion over the fanfiction.

From the ground, Cloud looked up and thought valiantly _'I must help my friends!'_ This thought was quickly followed by _'Ouch! What is that weight holding me down? Oh.'_ "Yuffie, are you hurt? You look like you're in pain. …WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HAIR?!!!" For alas, the spike was squished. Quickly and furtively, Cloud pulled a tube of superglue from subspace and began to reform his mangled hair.

Cid sighed and swore under his breath, wondering why he had agreed to join Avalanche.

Meanwhile, atop the building, all fighting had halted for a moment as everyone turned to flee from the brilliant blast of magic that Sephiroth had conjured. They fought and tripped over each other, Avalanche and Shinra alike, to be first down the small trapdoor that was the only safe way off the roof.

There was, of course, the option of jumping off the roof. But, as has been mentioned before, the ground takes out its pent up anger quite fiercely on people who hit it at high speeds.

Scampering down the hallway to get away from the blast, Tseng, Vincent, Tifa, and Rufus turned quickly into a large room and slammed the steel door. An explosion resounded in the hallway and the shockwave blew the plexiglass right out of the tiny window in the door. They saw someone fly by the window and disappear.

At this point, the four noticed that they were in a kitchen, and one that closely resembled the kitchen of a school cafeteria at that. Tseng went to open the door and peek out into the hallway.

He put his hand on the doorknob and tried to turn it.

It didn't turn.

He tried again, eyebrows creasing in frustration.

"Man, you're an idiot," stated Rufus from behind him. "My top Turk, and you don't even know how to open a door?"

Rufus pushed aside the leader of his elite group and yanked on the doorknob. "Wha—It's locked?"

"Now who's the idiot," Tseng murmured, smirking slightly. Rufus couldn't hear him as he pounded on the door.

"Hmm," Tifa pondered as she looked around for another door or window. There was a small window on the far side of the room, with blue markered letters on it that read 'Help me, I'm trapped in the kitchen!'. "Well, it looks like we're not the first ones to have this happen," she noted.

No one was listening to her. Rufus was still pounding on the door and shouting, while Tseng was attempting unsuccessfully to restrain the wayward president. Vincent was rifling through the contents of one of the cupboards, taking inventory and debating how many days' worth of food there was.

Tifa sighed. "It would almost be better if Sephiroth were here, he could blow a hole in the wall for us," she admitted.

On the roof, Sephiroth raised his arms up in that I-am-powerful-bow-down-before-me-or-die pose that all magic users seemed to love. "I am powerful!" he shouted to no one in particular, "Bow down before me or die!" The effect diminished a bit when he suddenly sneezed.

On the ground, Cloud had a sudden, author-induced inspiration. "Owari," he told Yuffie, Cid, and Cait Sith.

"Wha--?"

"It means 'The End'," explained Cloud intelligently.

Well, there ya go! Tell me what you think; what you like and/or don't like, especially concerning the new format (as opposed to the old screenplay format). I want to do my best to make this enjoyable for all my wonderful readers!


	8. Because Violence in Not the Answer!

AN: I love reviews! I'll love you if you review! Imaginary cookies to anyone who leaves a review!

Hey, who else out there is desperately awaiting the release of Advent Children? I know I am!

Disclaimer: I still do not own them.

C8: Because Violence is Not the Answer! (except for when it _is_ the answer…)

Tifa, nose crinkled in disgust, lifted what appeared to be a limp, green, fuzzy, alien life form from the refrigerator shelf.

No, she changed her mind, it didn't look very alive. Try 'limp, green, fuzzy, alien _death_ form' instead.

It began to shake.

Tifa screamed and flung it across the room, realizing too late that it only moved because her hand had been trembling. She watched in horror as the green bit of _something_ smacked into the back of Tseng's head and slid down his back. It flopped onto the floor as he slowly turned around.

"What…was that?"

"Eh heh heh," Tifa gulped, "Fuzzy green dead thing?"

Vincent, who had been calmly engrossed in making a sandwich, opened the refrigerator door. He looked around. "Where'd the spinach go? I was going to use that."

A moment of silence could be heard. Well, not really. Okay, a moment of silence could _not_ be heard as per the fact that it was silent.

"It's probably for the better," Tifa informed him, "It was moldy. You wouldn't have wanted it." She glanced uneasily at Tseng, who was picking flecks of green goo out of his hair with an angry expression.

"And that," declared Rufus, "is why everyone should keep their hair relatively short! Long hair is as inconvenient as it is ridiculous looking!" Not a good idea, considering he was locked in a room with three long-haired people.

Three sets of eyes turned to glare.

"Uh…I was joking, guys. Joking! Can't you take a joke? Ouch! Hey, lemme goooooo!"

Reno and Rude rose from the mounds of wreckage in the hallway like zombies from a grave. The plaster dust gave them a ghostly look. They peered at each other through the settling debris.

Reno was the first to start laughing at his comical-looking associate. "You look like, like, like a ghost!"

"…"

"A really tall ghost!"

"…"

"And bald, too!"

"… …"

"With—" Whatever he had intended to poke fun at was forgotten as the president's shouts rang out through the nearby door. "…Don't worry, prez! I will save you!" He cautiously opened the door and stepped softly into the kitchen. Rude followed, soundlessly shutting the door behind him.

"Don't shut the door!" shouted Tseng, with his foot holding down Rufus by the neck as Tifa taunted the president.

"Rude," Reno admonished, "Why did you shut the door?! Fearless leader said not to!"

Rude shrugged. "Too late…"

"Gah!" shouted Rufus from the floor as Vincent approached with a smirk and a stick of butter, "I take it back, I said I take it back!!!"

Both Reno and Rude were utterly confused, and the zealous fire in Tseng's eyes offered them no explanation. "Oh well," Reno decided. "Looks like fun!" With that, he and Rude joined in the game of rubbing sticks of butter into Rufus's hair.

"Well, wasn't that a nice diversion," Reno commented as the group sat in the middle of the kitchen. All except for Rufus, who was standing before the sink with a hopeless expression on his face as he searched for soap. "So, what ever happened to the battle for domination of the fanfiction?"

"I think that, right now, we need to form an alliance," Tseng commented. "It is vital that we defeat Sephiroth first. Then, when that's done, we can back to beating each other up."

"I concur," Vincent stated as Tifa nodded.

Elena chose that moment to walk through the door. "Hello, everybody!"

"DON'T CLOSE THE—" They were too late.

"Oh, sorry."

"…"

"Hey, what's that writing on the window? Why would anyone write on a window? 'Help me, I'm trapped in the kitchen!'…haha! Someone actually got locked in here?! Hahahaha!"

"…"

"Why are you all looking at me like that?"

Elena soon found herself in the same predicament as Rufus, searching for soap with which to wash the butter from her hair.

At this point of time, the disembodied spirit of Secera was wafting through an air vent on the fourth floor. I just thought that everyone might want to know that interesting fact. It was a very small air vent, for those of you who are curious. It had dust in it. And a dead mouse.

"Any ideas?" Tifa asked. "There has to be a way out of here…"

"Of course," Rufus offered spitefully, "Why don't you jump out the window, hoping that someone sees and gets help."

"We could tie a bunch of sheets together to make a rope," Vincent mused, "and climb out the window…"

"We'd need a whole lot of sheets to get down that far," Tseng argued. "And this is a kitchen. There aren't any sheets."

Reno lightbulbed. "Hey, maybe if we took everyone's clothes and tied them together!"

There was a chorus of "No way!"s.

"Air vent," Rude suggested.

"That might work!" Everyone nodded and began to look around for an air vent.

Cloud was walking through the hallway with a look of profound thoughtfulness on his face. He knew that he had heard voices around here somewhere. Ah! There they were! He opened the door and entered the kitchen, wondering why—

"DON'T SHUT THE DOOR!"

"Oh. Okay." Cloud shut the door.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!"

"Do what?"

"YOU SHUT THE DOOR AFTER WE SAID NOT TO!"

"Oh, I thought you said _to_ shut the door. Sorry."

"ARRRRGGGG!!!!!"

"What's the matter? It's only a door. I can open it back up if it's that important…okay, no I can't. Wait a second, does that mean that we're locked in here?"

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF BCiI!


	9. Because Elena Has a Bubblegum Fetish!

C9: Because Elena Has a Bubblegum Fetish!

In which Secera mutilates the characters (figuratively), is mutilated by a fan (I have fans? I have fans!), and discovers that one can, in fact, stuff a moogle into an air vent; it's just not very easy.

Nonstandard disclaimer applies! The standard one applies too, in case you were wondering.

"Yes! I found one!" Elena's eyes radiated sudden joy.

"Where?" Reno asked, "I don't see an air vent here."

"No, not an air vent, silly! A piece of bubble gum! Isn't that great? In fact, there might be enough here for everyone to have a piece."

The sound of sighing could be heard a mile away. Secera, floating through the air ducts in her spiritual form, was blown backwards by the sudden gust of air. Too bad there was a ventilation fan behind her. Too bad ghosts can't scream.

Back in the industrial kitchen, eight fictional characters—Ahem—eight very real people continued their scavenging for a means of escape. Or, in Elena's case, blew pink bubbles that popped all over her face and left her fellow Turks incapacitated with laughter as she indignantly tried to wash her face.

"Here! I think there's an air vent behind this dishwasher!" Cloud exclaimed proudly.

"You're right!" Tifa looked over. "Help me move the dishwasher so we can get to it." She began to pull at the stubborn appliance with the aid of Cloud. "No good…it won't move. I think it's attached to something."

Cloud peered into the inch of space behind the dishwasher. "Yeah, there's a pipe or something back here. Just a minute." He pulled out his sword from subspace and sliced the dishwasher from the wall.

Water began to trickle into the room from the fractured pipe.

"Uh-oh…"

"You idiot!"

"How was I supposed to know that would happen?!"

"Isn't it obvious? It's a pipe, therefore, it carries water!"

"Oh……really?"

Meanwhile, water continued to spurt from the pipe, forcing a larger and larger crack until it was just about ready to—never mind, it already blew. A spraying gush of liquid managed to catch Yuffie smack in the face, blasting her back out into the hallway. The door slammed shut after her.

"Nice way to greet someone," Yuffie complained before she slumped to the floor, unconscious.

"Noooo! Yuffie!" Cloud exclaimed, running over to the locked door and pounding on it with his fists. "Are you out there? Can you here me? Let us out! Or, at least let me out! Pleeeeease? I love you, Yuffie; did I ever tell you that?"

"Does anyone else think that he's gone overboard?" Tifa asked, slightly irritated.

The silence was filled with a sudden pop and a yelp from Elena, followed by a cry of "My hair!" from Rufus and many running footsteps as he chased Elena in circles around Tseng, pulling at the pink wad of chewing gum on his head. Thinking that no one would notice, Tseng stuck out his foot.

Two Shinra members landed facedown in a heap on the floor.

At this point, we will note that the floor is covered in about an inch of water.

Cid was walking innocently down a random hallway. His feet sloshed on the carpet as he passed by a staircase, whistling cheerfully all the while. He was very happy. That damn moogle had been bothering him again with it's incessant _cheerfully_ _following him_ and its overbearing _round pinkishness_. That wasn't why he was happy, though. The happiness came from what he had done to solve his problem.

The moogle was, at this point, stuffed in an air vent, quite non-cheerful and unable to follow him. In fact, the annoying thing wasn't even round or pink anymore! It was now cubic and a lovely shade of purplish-red! Yes, Cid was very proud of his problem-solving abilities, even if he had made Cait Sith mad at him.

He looked down at his feet in sudden wonderment of the origin of the sloshing noise. Strangely enough, the carpet was wet. In fact, the entire staircase seemed to be evolving into a waterfall. How odd.

"Well, I'm not going first."

"Neither am I!"

"What, are you afraid?"

"Ever heard of ventilation fans? They'll slice you to tiny slices!"

"Oh, stop being ridiculous," Tifa admonished, "Your head is hard enough to withstand any ventilation fan."

"Really? You think so?" Cloud asked. "…Okay, I'll go first if you all insist."

"We insist," chorused the group, eyeing the air vent suspiciously.

"Okay, I'm going."

"…"

"Just give me a moment to plan how I'm going to do this."

"…"

"I'm on my way, really!"

Several eyebrows raised.

"See? I'm taking my first step. Trying to take a step, that is…darn foot won't move…"

As one, the Shinra and Avalanche members grabbed Cloud and shoved him into the air vent.

The screaming stopped a minute later and was replaced by coughing. "It's…dusty in here!" Cloud shouted so the others could here him. "It kind of slopes downward! I can't see very well! I'm going around a turn!"

"Sounds safe enough," Reno commented, crawling into the vent after Cloud. The others nodded and followed.

Cid topped the flight of stairs and found the origin of the waterfall, along with an unconscious ninja girl. "Haha, serves you right for stealing my cookies!" Turning away from Yuffie, he opened the door to the kitchen.

A jet of water caught him dead center and knocked him back against the wall next to Yuffie, on which he hit his head and fell, unconscious. The door slammed shut.

Sephiroth chose this moment to make his way down the hallway, where he came upon the two unconscious bodies lying in a heap on the floor. He looked over suspiciously at the door across the hallway from them. Being an intelligent being, unlike _someone_, he surmised that opening the door would not be a wise idea.

So he blasted a hole in the wall instead.

To be continued in (perhaps) the final installment…

AN: Thank you for reviewing! I love you guys! …No, not like that. Geez.


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